I mentally and physically crashed last Thursday precisely because I was referencing the past.
I didn't foresee, or grasp, the severity of the heavy heartedness I'd go through in reading old journals and emails. I have a lot of material to draw from, which I am grateful to have to help others relate to my experiences with dementia.
However, what I didn't realize was that it would be so gut wrenching, or that it would kick my ass as much as it has emotionally.
As much as I pride myself on moving forward conscientiously from my experiences, it doesn't negate the pain just below the surface. There is something in my circuit system that transports me to that time and place in a Nano-second, reliving precisely everything I felt; the fear, the angst, the anger, the frustration, the confusion, the heartache. It's like being two different individuals: one in observance, the other reliving it. Both are converged into one writing it down.
However, the residual feelings that remain are like a disturbing dream that stays with me throughout the day, or as I prefer to think of it, like the fragrance of a violet on the heel that has crushed it.
I am aware of the truth of this quote, that the past is "reference" and not a "residence," and I do use my past responsibly as a reference, not a residence within my website, Forgive & Forget.
That said, I am mindful of what I can and cannot do, and accept it without guilt, shame or remorse, which I purport to us caregivers throughout my website. I will therefore be writing 2-3 times a week rather than daily.
I am confident you will and do understand.
See you here soon, Vic